Fetorials: An Assortment of Info on Everything From Micro Branding to Food

I recently came across a new web site:  http://www.fetorials.com/  According to the "About" section, Fetorials was launched in an attempt to gather an eclectic selection of tutorials and articles on topics of interest to the fetish and BDSM community.  I usually bookmark websites like this one because of the concentration of content available.  It isn't always easy to find good sources of information, especially the "how-to" variety on-line so sites such as Fetorials are a bonus!

On the home page right now you will find tutorials and articles on:

• how to build a whipping post
• the  physics of suspension and dynamic loading
• "The Only Three Knots You'll Ever Need”
• "Starting Questions for Negotiation"

...and much more.

I decided to browse the tutorials using the tab at the top of the page.  One on micro-branding caught my attention (as I had no idea what it was about). 

Submission - Balancing Out the Drama of My Work Day

I'm in front line management.  I like my job and work with some great people.  There are days when the level of drama I'm dealing with over the top and this was one of those days.  Twelve hours ago, I left to begin a seven hour work day.  I got home fifteen minutes ago.  Yes, there were some problems with my commute; however, my work day itself ran well over the seven-hour mark largely because of the drama quotient.  Sometimes I'm just so struck by the level of drama, where people interpret everything as personal and need an hour to verbally work through their latest crisis in front of your desk.  It was very difficult to get any control over the flow of people with issues coming through my door today.

I find these days hard as I categorize myself as a people pleaser.  I try to be responsive and accessible even when I feel I'm approaching overload myself.  Some days, the sheer number and variety of topics and issues is challenging enough.  What I find hardest is the backlash and negativity I get from some people the first time I can no longer say "yes" to their requests because of operational considerations or because to do so might negatively impact others.  Today, I even had someone play the "I might have to look for work elsewhere" card if I couldn't be counted on to continue answering "yes".  As hard as it was for me to do, I told her that while I certainly do my best to be responsive to people's needs there are limits to what I can reasonably do, and if she feels she needs to take this action, I will certainly respect her decision.  As someone with strong submissive tendencies, I can't help but feel like moments like these are failures in some way.  I have to keep reminding myself that this is the world of work, and different ground rules apply. 

First Try Making A Corselet Harness

J spent some time today at the www.twoknottyboys.com site and wanted to practice the corselet harness when I got home.  Our rope wasn't quite long enough nor heavy enough; however, J wanted to see what could be done with what we had on hand.  (More rope is on the shopping list and tomorrow is pay day.)  Anyway, here's how it turned out.



This is the front view - if the rope was longer, J would have made more turns around my waist.



Kinky Macrame - Rope Work Practice

As with any new undertaking, there are fun things to learn with BDSM.  This evening when I got home from work, J was sporting a rope gauntlet on one wrist: a sure sign that there was to be some rope work in my future.  <grin> After supper, we retired to our room and J pulled out some rope and got to work.  Here are some pictures of our practice session.


A wrist gauntlet - inside view


The instructions for the wrist gauntlet pictured here and below can be found on http://twoknottyboys.com  Go to the download section and look for "Rigger's Gauntlets" under the "Decorative Ideas" heading.

The knots can be lined up to create a diagonal line (like they did) or a straight line (like we did). 

This website is great for learning rope work.  It offers a range of free video downloads.  Each video takes you step-by-step, from finding the middle of your rope to finishing off.

Are Kinksters Better at Foreplay?

Once again, this evening's post was prompted by discussion in one of the groups on Fetlife.  The focus of the original post was on engaging the mind, feeling the vibe in a scene so to speak.  It was obviously important to the person initiating the discussion and she wanted to know how others felt; was being engaged mentally as important to them.

As I read the responses, it was clear she was not alone.   Numerous group members spoke of how they become involved in a scene or in play, and how important it is for them to feel engaged on a mental level.  Others spoke about how to create such engagement using theatrical techniques (since the original post spoke of the theatre) and referenced several scenes from the movie 9 1/2 Weeks with Kim Bassinger and Mickey Rourke.  Group members spoke about using music, sounds, rhythm, various forms of touch, creative use of food or ice, lighting, and scent.  I weighed in with my own comments, of course.

"...what you describe so well is an engaging of the senses, in a way that not only draws in both participants, but helps them to leave the cares of the day behind and to be present in the moment. Music, scent, touch, gestures, etc. can be used to relax, entice and tease and can build anticipation and suspense."

After re-reading my post, I realized what this discussion was about was a sort of foreplay.  While not all play results in sexual activity, the use of techniques to engage participants in the moment for the purpose of intimate (albeit not necessarily sexual) and mutually satisfying activities is common to both.  According to Wikipedia, foreplay is:

Thinking About Dominance and Submission

I came across a very interesting discussion tonight on Fetlife.  The original post asked the group to consider the desire to submit versus the desire to be dominated, to comment on whether individuals considered them to be connected or separate.

I found the discussion to be very thought provoking.  The variety of comments certainly made it clear that submissives are not a homogeneous group.  Some respondents indicated a desire/need to be dominated, not just mentally but also physically.  Others spoke about submission being most important to them.  It got me thinking about my own circumstances.

I can't say that I've ever want to be physically overpowered.  The notion of being forced would provoke anything but submission. Acquiescence and submission are not the same thing for me at all. One would be the result of exhaustion the other of conscious choice.

Taking Stock

As I am writing this, I find myself marvelling at how things have changed in my life.  Six months ago, I had just learned that a co-worker had been diagnosed with cancer and was facing a pessimistic prognosis and feeling my own mortality like never before.  I was also confronting some confusing and frightening thoughts and emotions.  I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I was in holding pattern of sorts, living the way I thought I was supposed to live, not making any waves, and waiting for some sort of permission to signify that the rest of my life could finally begin.  A piece of my personality had been kept in the shadows for decades and marginalized because I was afraid to acknowledge it and had no idea what I'd do with it if I did.  And as afraid of it as I was, I knew deep down that without it I wasn't whole and wouldn't find balance until I could embrace all that I am.  

I've discovered that "coming out" to oneself and to others is only the first step, of course.  Once I was sure that my relationship with J wasn't going to be a casualty as a result of acknowledging my dark side, I was able to start exploring my interest in kink within my long term relationship and make new friends.  A whole new chapter in my life had begun.  What has been interesting is the spill over effect in the rest of my life.  Let me explain what I mean.

A Portable Japanese Pony for Under $10

This is the second budget-minded, do-it-yourself toy I've featured on this blog.  As J and I add to our tool box, we will certainly share our do-it-yourself projects with you.  This is our version of a "starter" Japanese pony.  (This is something we made for our personal use and we take full responsibility for how we use it.  If you choose to make one for yourself, you are assuming the same responsibility - be safe, use it sanely and consensually.)



Our gentler version of the Japanese pony.

 

Merinthophilia and Forced Orgasm

Merinthophilia is defined as sexual arousal from being bound or tied up, at least that's what I found when I googled it.  A fellow kinkster had added it to the fetish list on Fetlife and when I saw he had added it to his profile, of course, I googled the word to see what it meant.  I was curious about it to say the least.  I knew I liked being restrained in cuffs linked to lengths of chain, so I wondered how I would feel about being tied up.

Last evening was an eventful one for me.  While I have been curious about rope bondage, to date, J and I hadn't done more than binding my wrists.  Last night we tried breast bondage for the first time.  As J slowly wrapped my torso in the soft, thick, braided rope purchased earlier that day, I found myself fixating on it.  I loved the way it felt against my skin and the firm pressure it applied to my chest and breasts.  The enhanced pressure in my breasts made them wonderfully sensitive and I found myself aching to be touched there almost immediately.  Using the long end of the rope remaining J also bound my hands, first behind my back and later over my head as our play session continued. 

Learning About Myself Through Submission

In conversation with my partner and a friend this weekend, I was reminded of how much I am learning about myself through submission.  I find as each week passes, I gain a better understanding of myself, my partner and what seems to work for us.


I posted a short while back about my changing relationship with pain. Lately I find myself paying close attention to the sensations generated by different instruments wielded by my partner.  When we use something different, I will often offer a description of how it is similar or different from sensations generated by other toys.  I find I have a preference for my partner's hand, the warm up flogger, and the cup side of our wooden spoon.  I like broader surfaces or toys that stimulate a broader surface.  I like the crop, but am less fond of it when it is used as a cane.  Whips and belts fall into the same category for me.  If it stings a small area intensely, I need more time in between blows.  I also prefer a regular rhythm to the blows and seem to be able to pace myself better if I can anticipate the cadence.


If I don't get enough time in between blows or if I get startled by a break in the cadence or a sudden surge in the intensity, adrenaline often kicks in, over-rides the endorphins, and instead of an experience of surrender it becomes an exercise in stoicism.  Sometimes, I don't recover from the startle because too much adrenaline has engaged and I literally can't wait until it's over.  Subspace is unattainable for me in this sort of circumstance as well.  Now I don't have to achieve subspace every time during a spanking.  There are other aspects of our play that can get me there as well.  I just found it interesting to learn that avoiding an adrenaline dump seems to make a huge difference for me.  Having been in a number of car accidents over the decades, my experiences with pain and adrenaline have not been pleasant and very negative learned associations are likely coming into play here.On a lighter note, I find I am enjoying the shift in the dynamic between J and me outside our bedroom as well.  I find I am paying closer attention to what is happening with J and take real pleasure in nurturing more than I used to before.  I like the thrill of having J come up behind me, reach around and tweak my nipples or nibble on my neck while I'm doing dishes.  J is more possessive and demonstrative than before, readily showing affection, concern and, of course, lust.  The notion that my body is available for pleasure and so desired by J has had the effect of making me feel prettier than I've felt in years.

Looking for a Collar

Since my last post was about a collaring ceremony, I thought I'd talk about my search for collars.

I am still forming my opinion on collars as I read and search the internet.  I know some submissives have a single collar, one that is worn only at home or during play.  Others have one that can be worn almost anywhere.  Others have multiple collars appropriate for different environments. 

I've been wearing a ring on my left hand almost as long as J and I have been together.  The ring has changed once (upgrading from a silver and amber ring to a band of rose gold, hammered byzantine chain).  The problem is, I can't and don't always wear a ring.   This has got me thinking about the type of collar to choose. 

My Play Collar

A Beautiful Collaring Ceremony

My partner and I have begun talking about a formal collaring ritual.  We want to take our time and plan it carefully.  While we are new to our D/s roles, we've been together for almost fifteen years, living common-law all this time.  The running joke for a while was what it would take for us to actually tie the knot.  The day I found a beautiful collaring ceremony described on line at http://seekers.org.uk, I realized what I'd been waiting for.


The "Ceremony of the Rose" as it's called is sometimes used to renew a relationship that has gone through a difficult time and survived the test.  After what J and I have been through this year, I think this certainly applies.  It is described as a private ritual, involving the D/s couple and usually no more than one or two of their closest friends.  Here is the description from http://seekers.org.uk/The%20Ceremony%20of%20the%20Roses.htm

A Little Kink in the Morning Can Be Better Then Coffee

In a previous post I revealed my weakness for erotic romances.  I almost always have one with me, in case I end up waiting for a flight, a ferry and have a little time on my hands.  If my work morning has been particularly brutal, I may eat lunch at my desk so I can escape for thirty minutes into a whole other world.

This morning, I was waiting for a ferry.  I had a book with me of course, "One Bite With a Stranger" by Christine Warren.  I knew this one was a paranormal romance, but how steamy it would be remained to be seen.  Well the boat was late and I had more time to read than I had anticipated. I did not expect such a treat first thing in the morning.  Ms. Warren devotes fifty pages, yes fifty pages, to the first sexual encounter her heroine (Regina) has with her tall, dark stranger (Dmitri) and what a romp it is!

The first few pages focus on their dialogue when Regina realizes she has invited a near stranger into her apartment.  Dmitri, being blessed with the ability to read her thoughts and her deepest desires, wastes no time in telling her what he has in store for her:

"I want to make you nervous. And I want to make you wet.  Before the night is over, I want to make you do many things you've only imagined.  And that is what you want as well." 

"You shall have exactly what you crave, Regina, but only if you do as I say.  Can you do that?"

Some Days Are Tougher Than Others

Today was a tough day at work.  It was one in a series of tough days this past month.  Now, I've had tough days before; what's different now is how I'm feeling about them.  As I spend more time at home being true to my nature, I find my feelings toward some work situations changing dramatically.  It would be easy to blame things on the job - the increasing workload, the growing array of demands from staff and clients all unfolding in the "do-more-with-less" environment; however, I think there is more to it than that.  Lately, I've been wondering whether I'm as suited to my current type of work as perhaps I once thought. 

I went back to Fetlife and did a little searching through some of the discussion groups.  I found one comprised of submissive women talking about the challenges of switching from the dominant personas some exercise in their work lives.  Most of the posts talked about how each person handled this.  Some had no trouble switching their other personas "off", others relied on rituals, like slipping on their collar or taking a shower and changing their clothes, you get the picture.  I found myself thinking that I need a way of switching into a more assertive or dominant persona, as that seems to be my challenge these days.  I worry I'm projecting a submissive energy and this is why I'm getting challenged so much by people who report to me.

BDSM - A Way to Rationalize Abuse?

I was catching up on some of the discussions in the many groups I follow on Fetlife today.  One of the comments in one discussion caught my attention.  The person who posted remarked that he had started a web page for survivors of abuse that also had some positive BDSM content.  He said had done this as most sites for abuse survivors do not permit any discussion of BDSM as they consider it a rationalization for abuse.  I pondered that for a while and then did a little searching on abuse and BDSM.  Here's some of what I found.

At the Leather and Roses site http://www.leathernroses.com  I found a listing of articles around BDSM and abuse.  In the article "Why BDSM Relationships Are Not Abuse", Raven Shadowborne highlights a number of distinctions:

Kink in the Family - Something to Be Thankful For

When I took the first few steps out of the closet this spring, I certainly couldn't imagine talking to my family about it.  Even though I'd seen enough on the internet to know that I certainly wasn't the only kinkster in the world or in this city, I couldn't help but think that this somehow made me an oddity in my own family.  I'd seen how coming out had made life difficult for others I know, and I wasn't eager to risk estrangement.  I'd been down that road once before in my life; once burned, twice shy.

Early this summer, I came out to my partner and we both discovered that just as I have a submissive side that has gone largely unacknowledged for decades, so does J have a dominant side that had been largely suppressed.  I have felt very lucky to be able to continue my exploration with the love of my life leading the way.  That was a major milestone and the lead up to it was stressful for both J and me. 

When things were rocky between J and I, my brother's wife had extended the hand of friendship, offering her ear to J should she wish to talk, as it was clear to her that our relationship was under stress.  J didn't say a lot to her, but said enough to give her some idea of what we were working through.  My sister-in-law is very much a live-and-let-live sort of person, so J felt comfortable that what she had told her would remain in confidence, should that be needed. 

Today, I had a chance to talk to my sister-in-law alone and I made the most wonderful discovery.  Not only was she happy J and I had worked through things and were coming to terms with different but more natural roles within our relationship, she was certainly not the least bit shocked about our interest in BDSM.  Then she went one step further saying she would relish an opportunity to talk to other people who wouldn't be easily shocked or offended.  It seems she has her own kinky streak as well!  Who knew?

Kinky Party Games

It's Friday night and I'm playing nurse maid to an injured dog this evening.  So I got to thinking, what kind of games do kinky folk like to play at their get togethers?  Being relatively new to BDSM, I can't draw on my own experience here so I started searching the internet.  Here's some of what I found!

On the Albany Power Exchange, I found a great list of BDSM Party Games.  Some of the activities described included:

1.  Nipple Tug-o-War - Using tweezer type nipple clamps connected by a chain, attach one clip to each participant and have them pull away from each other.  My guess is you need to have a line on the floor and the first one pulled across loses - or the first one to lose their clip loses.

2.  Cock Ring Toss - They suggested it would be great to have a real cock for this but they used a dildo and plastic rings - sort of like the x-rated version of ring toss. 

Sub Space and My Changing Relationship with Pain

When I was a child I had a lot of stomach pain connected to digestion. The underlying issue was something I eventually grew out of; however, it did cause me grief fairly regularly throughout elementary school. 

As early as age 6, I began to recognize the warning signs that trouble was brewing and I developed little ways to make the inevitable experience more manageable.  I'd go outside when I could (i.e. change the environment), but that wasn't always practical.  I'd ask for and get a weak hot toddy and that would help me relax when the cramps were at their worst.  Sometimes I'd tuck a hot water bottle into my pillow and hold it against my stomach.  This helped me to relax and the sensation of the heat was a welcome distraction.  But sometimes, I'd just detach from the pain and try to look at it from a non-reactive perspective. 

Looking back, I think some of those times were my very first experiences of sub space.  At many of those moments, I was calm, quiet and able to relax enough to let my body do what it needed to do without adding the drama of tears and unnecessary muscle tension.  I remember talking about liking how I felt afterwards, after I stopped fighting my body and as the pain began to subside.  It was almost euphoric at times. 

When I began exploring BDSM, I remember reading about sub space and being intrigued.  I wondered if I'd ever have an experience like that.  I thought it was like trying to imagine what it feels like to float in water if you've never had the experience and don't know anything about water.   I recall figuring I probably wouldn't as I didn't consider myself a masochist at all, and a lot of what I read suggested there had to be a fair amount of pain to trigger this. To continue the metaphor, I figured it took really deep water in order to really experience floating, and since I knew little of either, it seemed somewhat out of reach.

Home Made Flogger for Under $15

Since the last post was about making a kinky wish list, J and I thought this evening we'd share one of our DIY kink projects as a way of helping you address at least one item that might be on your list.  (This is something we made for our personal use and we take full responsibility for how we use it.  If you choose to make one for yourself, you are assuming the same responsibility - be safe, use it sanely and consensually.)

While we bought a decent crop online for a reasonable price, we discovered good floggers can be pricey.  We may choose to splurge on a custom flogger down the road, but we certainly didn't want to wait that long before adding this sort of toy to our own toy box, so we decided we try our hand at making a flogger.  Here's how we did it.


Materials needed:

1.  Suede leather skirt or coat.  J scoured the local ValuVillage and picked up a second hand woman's suede skirt, about 24 inches long for $9.99. 
2.  Wooden spoon or dowel for the core of the flogger handle.  J chose a wooden spoon we already had at home.  You can pick these up at the dollar store for a buck or two.  Be sure to get one with a decently heavy handle.
3.  One roll of hockey tape to secure the falls to the handle and to build up the handle. ($2.00)
4.  Finial from an old curtain rod to attach to the handle end as a counterweight. We had one in the basement.  Scrounge around your own house or check with a friend or neighbour.  This is the sort of thing that gets tossed out on neighbourhood cleanups.  You might score one for free.  Or you can try making your own counterweight to attach to the handle.

Step 1:  The skirt was chosen on the basis that it was made with few small pieces of leather.  J wanted to cut the falls for the flogger from a single piece to avoid having seams in the falls.  First, J cut the skirt apart at the side seams and trimmed off any bands and stitching, leaving smooth continuous pieces of leather. (There is enough leather left over to make a second flogger!)

Step 2: To cut the falls, J used a knife but scissors would work just as well.  First layout the leather with the longest edge running left to right. Square up the piece so you have a rectangle.  Beginning at the bottom left hand edge, start cutting a strip about 1/2" wide and stop about 7" from the top edge. Repeat this process until you reach the right hand edge of the leather.  In essence it looks like you've cut a long leather fringe.  In our case, the result was a fringe of 34 1/2 inch strips.

Step 3: Cut the bowl end of the spoon off leaving just the handle.  Attach the curtain finial to one end of the wooden spoon handle using hockey tape.  Be sure to wrap as evenly as you can.  

Step 4: With the leather fringe still laying out on the table where you cut it, place the wooden handle on one end of the leather so the falls start just past the end of the handle (without the finial).  This will ensure that the uncut part of the fringe will wrap easily around the handle.  Using a couple of small pieces of hockey tape, carefully attach the uncut portion of one edge to the handle and begin wrapping it around, as tightly as possible without overstretching the leather.  Be careful not to tangle your falls in the lower end of the handle.

Step 5:  When the leather fringe has been wrapped to the handle, carefully cover this section of leather with hockey tape.  Be sure to wrap tightly to secure the leather in place.

And voila - one home-made flogger ready for testing for under $15!

Starting a Kinky Wish List

Once a person steps out of the closet and acknowledges their kink, it is normal to want to begin collecting the wardrobe, toys, tools, etc. that will help in the expression of said kink.  If you're like me, you don't have an unlimited budget so you'll want to think about what you want and consider different ways of getting it. 

It helps to start by making a "wish list".  At this point, it's about figuring out what you like or want to try, prioritizing will come later.  If you were shopping for living room furniture, you could go to your local retail stores and browse. Chances are that unless you live in a major city (or in an enlightened small city or large town), there will likely be limited retail outlets that will carry everything you might be seeking.  So how can a newbie kick start her product research and start building her wish list? 

Observations on Sound, Touch and Scent

Before I came out of the closet to my partner this past spring, I would occasionally peruse some of the well-known BDSM porn sites, but always covertly.  There I'd be, tucked in my chair in the corner of our living room, with my laptop, quietly going about my business while J was on the loveseat watching television. 

Now of course the sound had to be turned off, otherwise, I'd be discovered.  Watching the video clips without the sound was a little strange.  It really sanitized the visual stimulation.  I actually found I was a little braver in where I went and what I watched as a result.   Each time I discovered something a little more risqué, I'd feel my breathing shift and I almost always squirmed slightly in my seat, but that's as much of a reaction as I could allow.  After all, I was sitting mere feet from my partner and J had no idea what I was up to. 

There was something thrilling about this.  Not unlike covert masturbation (but I'll save that for another post).  I'd be exploring porn sites, raising my pulse rate, sometimes discovering images for the first time, and not uttering a sound.  Now that I think of it, it might qualify as a mild form of self-torture: no touch, no movement allowed, but all the visual stimulation my mind could handle.

Spankings - Good for Mental Health?

The synchronicities in my life these days are wonderful.  Something new happens or I turn another corner in my journey of exploration and invariably I come across someone or something that helps me to better understand.  Sometimes, it will be a comment that someone makes.  Other times, it's an article or webpage.  But the effect is the same: it gets me thinking in a slightly different way and "flick" the lights come on.

Case in point is the latest post on A Kind Dom at http://xpygarx.blogspot.com/2010_10_01_archive.html
The post asks whether BDSM pain, spankings in particular, might be helpful in relieving symptoms of depression.  The comments posted thus far in response certainly suggest there may something to the idea.  One Dominant described his experience with a submissive who suffered from depression and migraines and how BDSM pain seemed to help.  A submissive suffering from bi-polar disorder talked about the almost "magical" relief she experiences when her husband straps her with his belt.

This was so very timely.  Just last night I asked to be spanked for the very first time.