How does being a "switch" work for me?

An online friend asked me today about my recently acknowledged dual nature and how it was working for me. It got me thinking. (And thank heavens also helped me overcome writer's block and led to this post!)

I know that switches sometimes get a bad rap, much like people with a bi-sexual orientation - "just can't make up their damn minds", or something like that. As someone who describes herself as a "hetero-flexible switch", I took issue with such criticism the first time I came across it. Just because it isn't everyone's cup of tea doesn't mean it is any less valid a path. And while I still feel that way, I can imagine why it gives many folks pause.

We humans like our labels. It helps us identify what we are and aren't, encourages us to think in terms of categories and makes stereotyping an easy pitfall. Even when we try not to be judgmental of ourselves and others, it can be difficult, especially when things don't fall into neat categories.

Like I said, my friend's question got me thinking. For some folks, submission and dominance are separate. If one is truly submissive, then one cannot be dominant, and vice versa. If the roles are interchangeable in certain circumstances for an individual, the language seems to change to top/bottom as if there is a need to separate dominance/submission from topping/bottoming.

I really don't see these as discrete points in space. Instead they seem more like points on a continuum. I have the same view of sexual orientation and gender. I think we each have our dominant tendencies, but under the right conditions can make different choices. To me, this perspective seems more consistent with our complexities as the adaptable human beings we are.

I didn't always feel this way. I used to feel if I couldn't really make up my mind then there must be something wrong with me. Then I thought about the gay men I know who have grown adult children, and not through artificial insemination. I thought about transgendered folks I know who spent 40-50 years in one gender - raising families, volunteering, holding down jobs, etc. only to finally make the shift to the "right" gender. These people spent years in relationships, jobs and family roles that while not consistent with their dominant tendencies, did not mean they were totally without joy or satisfaction.

What holds us back? Fear mostly. Like I said, we like our labels. (Hell, we have labels for things that don't easily fall into neat categories - "eclectic", "pan-sexual", etc. ) Until we know there is a label for whatever we fear, we can easily fall into the trap of thinking there is something seriously wrong. In the days of the internet, it is harder for this to happen, but even when we find a label to name what we are feeling, we still have to integrate the newly named bit with all our other neatly labelled bits.
I have to say that acknowledging my switch tendencies was easier than coming out of the closet as kinky. I had already acquired a new vocabulary to help with this and an online community that reassured me I was certainly not alone. So when my online friend inquired, I was actually grateful for the chance to articulate how I was integrating the newly labelled bits.

While I have submissive tendencies, I have learned I have needs that must be met. I could never be a slave. I could not bear being objectified 24/7/365. I am more than a sexual being and would spiritually starve in such an intense setting. I have a strong creative streak that must be expressed and will not be subordinate to anything when the muse asserts herself. I could and have willingly participated in play where I have been objectified for short periods of time and my treatment both before and after these sessions have certainly made it worthwhile. But that is what it takes. I guess that is why I make a better "pet".

I can be most dominant when my maternal instincts are provoked causing me to feel protective. I've been described as almost warrior-like in my defence of those I view as needing my protection and am quite decisive and action-oriented at such times. I will assume complete control of the situation. I have crawled into overturned vehicles to ensure no one is left inside or to free someone trapped. I stopped and got out of my car to break up fist fight between a man and a woman. I once placed myself between a tethered dog and an angry cow and kept the charging animal at bay armed with only a broom - you get the picture. And I do this sort of thing automatically and have my whole life. Of course, such actions also have a strong service orientation to me, so I've never felt them out of step with my nature.

Like many individuals who identify as submissive, I have a job in which I am required to show leadership, to mediate disputes, facilitate problem solving within groups, apply discipline, restore order, look out for the well-being of individuals and groups, etc.

Sexually speaking, I have been more submissive than dominant whether I have been with a man or a woman. I have always had a very strong need to please.  I have willingly relinquished my own agenda to help partners explore their desires.  I am in my element as the instrument being played by the skilled musician, but there is a certain level of sensory seduction necessary for me to lose myself in the moment. My lover has to be someone special for me to merely grin and bear it. I will not tolerate the needs of another indefinitely if my own are not addressed. If I begin to feel taken for granted, I will hurt.  If left hurt for too long, I will become resentful and will eventually leave if my needs are not met. 

But dominance and submission are not just about sex. My recent foray into dominance with my pet has been non-sexual in nature. My long-term partner would not tolerate it any other way and I am satisfied to abide by her wishes. In truth, my enjoyment in that arena comes not from sexual satisfaction but from savouring the impact my actions have on this wonderful man. I feel every shiver and gasp he makes and was startled how much I enjoyed it. And then there are the sensual pleasures - his skin beneath my hand, his scent, even his weight as he sits on my lap.

I've read enough to know that this sort of enjoyment is not inconsistent with the experience of others dominants. I also know that some people are dominant in most of their relationships but may submit to one person only. Are they less dominant with their submissive because they themselves are submissive to another? I doubt it.

Maybe I am drawn to the labels "hetero-flexible switch" because I've lived long enough to learn that given the right chemistry and circumstances, I may find myself in anyone of a number of places along any number of continuums of human behaviour. In any event, it is working for me.

I would love to hear from other folks out there who consider themselves switches or at least flexible in terms of their place on the submissive - dominance continuum. What say you?