A new road to release

Yesterday, I had my first experience in the role of top and discovered a whole new world of pleasure.  As a sensualist, I have thoroughly enjoyed being on the receiving end of sensation play.  It was an eye-opening and amazing experience to be on the giving end, in charge of everything that happened.

As a taller, larger woman, I expend a lot of energy trying to be as unintimidating as possible.  It was a remarkable pleasure to actually use my height and size to advantage, and even more so when my actions elicited changes in his breathing or muscle tension.  I actually got a delicious rush as I stood behind my friend, with my arm across his throat and my other arm holding a crop across his body, pulling him against me, as I whispered into his ear.  At one point I spontaneously pulled him into my lap and discovered what a wonderful advantage this provides while also maintaining intimate contact.  I also discovered I love giving a bare-handed spanks as much as I enjoy getting them.  Each series of spanks was followed by caresses and massage. 

While I had set up a role play for us as a way of breaking the ice, our respective senses of humour kicked in quickly and we did a lot of giggling and laughing as we explored what it meant for me to be "gleefully sadistic."  We tried out his new flogger and my crop.  We had some fun with clothespins and his small braided flogger.  There were moments of intensity, especially as we experimented with electricity, a wartenberg wheel and CBT.  Once again, I discovered I enjoy using my body as the means of stimulation whether I was pinching, squeezing, flicking, slapping or pressing.  The more of my own body mass I could put into the action, the more I enjoyed it and when these same actions elicited responses from him, the more intense a release I experienced.

Sexuality and perception of time

Today I am feeling my age.  Every once in a while, the souvenirs of decades-old car accidents get aggravated by present day activity and I get to spend several days tormented, and not in a good way.  I'm luckier than most folks.  I have walked away from several accidents.  There are those who never make it through one and I've suffered little in the way of permanent dysfunction.  Having said this, I do have days like today when those old injuries insist on reminding me that my tolerance levels aren't what they once were. 

On days like this, the pain renders me incapable and I end up missing work and falling further behind.  Of course this often prompts me to work harder the day I return to work and if left unchecked can trigger the insidious cycle of burnout.  I finally had to accept the fact there will be days when my body calls "time-out,” that I must listen when it does and not beat myself up about what has to be postponed or what doesn't get done at all.  Easier said than done, of course, but pain like this can be very motivational.  It just sucks sometimes to be reminded that my body parts aren't as resilient as they once were and I must know make provision for that.

I'm also reminded my age for another reason.  I watched a music video today on the blog of a friend and was struck by one line from the song, something about the woman in question being twice the singer's age.  In the past year, I've made some new friends in the local kink community and this song reminded me that many of them are half my age. 

I'm not bothered by this so much as I find I am prompted to question my perception of time.  Having had no children, my life is not filled with as many events that signal the passage of time, so it is easier for the years to blur together.  Also, my own appearance has not changed so dramatically from one year to the next to trigger any lasting recalibration of my own sense of time, so I imagine that's why I notice when events challenge my perception.

Another factor that complicates matters is the vast improvement in my sex life over the past year.  I'm another year older yet my physical responses during BDSM play and sexual activities flies in the face of that reality.  More than once, as we've basked in a delicious afterglow, I have turned to Lady and remarked "My, that just took years off me!" and have meant it in every way possible. 

Losing my wax play virginity

It's official.  Yesterday I lost my wax play virginity with the help of Lady and two friends.  We had never tried wax play before and I had been curious about it for some time.  At the last munch, there was some enthusiasm for a wax play party; however, I was a little nervous about being a newbie at a larger event. Lady was also new to this and wanted an opportunity to speak with others who had already engaged in this activity before trying it out with me.  (She takes such good care of me.)  Two friends offered to help get us past our newbie jitters and invited us over for an evening of conversation and a little wax play.

It is always a pleasure to visit with these two ladies so it took a while before we got around to preparing for the session.  Lady and I had taken their advice regarding where to purchase candles and had picked up an assortment of colors, as I understood that some colors seem to burn hotter than others.  As I got myself ready, my friend sat nearby offering moral support while her Lady gave mine an overview of how she prepared, how she would proceed, etc.  It was decided we would limit this first attempt to my mid to upper back area.   

The benefits of living authentically

I've recently given some thought to the amount of time and energy that I spend at work.  I am a manager in the public service and spend my days putting out fires, ensuring compliance to policy and standards, sorting out client related issues, dealing with public complaints, union issues, etc.  By the end of the work day, I am often emotionally and physically spent.

When issues start to pile up and the related stress begins to peak, it is not uncommon for the dynamic at my worksite to get a little toxic and as the lone manager on site, I often become the target of that toxicity.  Once upon a time it would, literally, bring me to my knees provoking a depressive episode or enough self-doubt to seriously undermine my self-confidence.  Of course, thankfully, nothing remains stagnant.  I always recover enough to carry on until the next crisis, but I can't help but wonder why I keep drawing these circumstances to me.  What am I supposed to learn?

It is extremely difficult for me to have any sort of epiphany when I'm feeling that emotionally beaten up and physically exhausted.  In the past, I'd often argue with myself about what I could do differently and usually ended up wondering if I was actually cut out for the work I do.  The unabated stress would provoke anxiety-filled dreams which in turn would ruin my night's sleep and start a vicious cycle. Sometimes, I'd get angry and declare that no one situation or unhappy person is going to run me out of my job, my livelihood.  I'd hunker down for another round, but not really make that much progress and end up getting my nose smashed again.

Over the past few months as Lady and I are becoming more comfortable with ourselves in our new roles, I've noticed a shift happening in my work life.  I am now more able to remain calm in situations that would previously have provoked an adrenaline dump and emotional upheaval, and I've had some hum-dingers this past week.  I didn't completely escape sleep disruption this particular time, but the dreams were more constructive and have helped me to process some recent events and to discover new ways of responding that will be much better for me in the long run.

So what's making the difference? 

Roses and Chains by Delphine Dryden

This weekend I discovered Delphine Dryden, an erotic romance author offering a distinctly non-vanilla story.  Roses and Chains  is the first in the 1-800-DOM-help series.  According to the prologue, the magic begins with the appearance of an unassuming business card.  If you are brave enough to call the 1-800 number, you will begin an exploration your deepest desires and perhaps take a journey to discover your deepest, but previously unacknowledged yearnings.  All it takes is one phone call and the mysterious Operator begins to charter your course, ensuring you travel to the places you always wanted to go but didn't know how to find.

The story opens with one of the main characters, Mara, strapped to a St. Andrew's cross in a local dungeon, seeking some sort of solace from a former Mistress as she tries to push thoughts of a failed relationship out of her head.  Having used submission to physical pain myself as a way of escaping emotional pain and silencing sadistic self-talk, I found myself identifying with Mara immediately.

In the second chapter, we are introduced to Daniel and Delia, a married couple tentatively feeling their way into a D/s relationship and growing into their respective roles.  It is the kind of scenario that married kinksters dream about - coming out to their partner about their kink, discovering their partner is more than willing to make the journey with them and hoping they are doing so for themselves as much as they might be doing so for you.  There has been some uncertainty between the couple as the dynamic is still evolving.  On the particular evening we meet them, Daniel is about to take matters in hand and steer them in a bolder direction.

It soon becomes plain that Mara and Daniel have both called the 1-800-DOM-help number as circumstances conspire to bring the three people together for a delicious walk on their wilder sides!

Blood Play in an Erotic Romance Novel

Once in a while I come across an erotic romance that pushes the usual mainstream envelope. "A Witch's Beauty" certainly seems to fit into this category even though I just started reading it. 

Author Joey W. Hill has created a fantasy world of Angels and Dark Ones in which the story of David and Mina plays out.  He is an angel, only 30 years old and a mere infant in the ranks of the Legion in which he serves.  Unlike most angels who are born to their role, David, born human, was taken into service after committing suicide at the age of fourteen.  Mina is the daughter of the seawitch Inanna, descended from five generations of seawitches of Neptune's realm; however, her birth was the result of a brutal rape by a Dark One.  David struggles with his humanity in a world where that can be a fatal weakness.  Mina struggles to keep from being consumed by the sadistic and violent urges of the demon inside.

At the outset of the story, David is assigned to protect Mina even though protecting the seawitch has already cost four angelic lives.  Unlike the other angels who view her as a dangerous aberration of nature to be monitored, controlled or killed, David views her more as a misunderstood creature struggling to survive.  Though both are warriors in their own right, they provoke unusual responses in each other.

He has come upon her in her lair, to explain his purpose and to retrieve his dagger which she apparently took during their previous encounter.  Who knew that retrieval of a weapon could become so erotic!  Check out the excerpt below that starts on page 24.

His attention lifted back to her face.  At the same time, he picked up his dagger again, his fingers wrapping around the rigid hilt in a way that made the needy flesh of her sex thicken, her breath come short.

"This is my dagger.  Mine.  Only I may wield it.  You understand?  You may keep it, but if you want me to use it, on you, like this" - his gaze flicked to her arm and then back to her face - "you need to ask.  All right?"

My Fascination With the Human Form.

While the love of my life is “Lady”, I am equally fascinated by bodies of men, women and those in between.  For many years I was quite self-conscious about this.  When I considered myself "straight", I liked looking at women's bodies.  When I was married to a traditional, masculine man, I couldn't help but look at women.  And now that I'm with LadyJL, I'm still gazing away at the lovely examples of humanity featured all over Fetlife.  The difference now is it is a guilt-free indulgence - yet another benefit of finding self-acceptance.

One of my favourite ways to appreciate the human form is to look at the pictures posted by other Fetlife members.  After all, if a person stares too long at someone in most public settings, it is considered rude.  With pictures, I can look as long as I like.  Some pictures feature particular aspects of the human body, which can be quite engaging.   Others feature particular fetishes such as Shibari, nipple play, etc.  It can be quite a smorgasbord!

Some of the pictures I've most enjoyed looking at are of older Fetlife members.  I recall one striking picture of a 60+ year old woman who has incredible legs.  Then there was the portrait-style photo of a D/s couple: he wore a dress kilt and full regalia while she was dressed in nothing but her striking gray-streaked hair. 

I've seen some amazing examples of rope work in which the knots and rope placement accentuate the model's body shape and posture.  The rope and naked body merge and become a complex sculpture suggesting movement, strength, and tension.  Sometimes, there is vulnerability in the posture.  This is especially true in suspension shots.  Other times the vulnerability is evident solely in the eyes of the model while the posture conveys strength.