Today, I have a treat for my readers - a guest post by my friend Sassy! You can check her blog out at http://sass-and-spasticity.blogspot.com Take it away Sassy!
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I have long promised Rosa this guest blog, but recent events in my life have made it more prudent than ever to share. I’m Sassy, the mind behind Sass And Spasticity, and my beloved partner of over six years is Immodest Lady of the blog by the same name.
We are, as the title of this post might imply, a “couple with stuff.” I have Cerebral Palsy, Anxiety, and Chronic Pain, and Immodest lives with digestive issues and also an Anxiety disorder. Not only that, we’ve been together long enough to pick up more stuff. I have a tenuous relationship with Lady’s parents, so much so that I lovingly refer to them as the “out laws” Immodest Lady has to deal with my 20+ aunts and uncles, all of whom run from “mildly eccentic” to “we don’t let that one use power tools.” We also have joint responsibilities such as bills and rent and pets, all of which we try to manage while living at or below the poverty line.
And we love it. Because it’s what we built together through six years of joy and blood and sweat and love and pain. But it doesn’t look like most relationships. It doesn’t look like boy meets girl, it doesn’t look like vanilla meets vanilla, or Able Bodied John meets Able Bodied Jane (see my blog for that reference.) What it looks like is kinkster on kinkster, artist on writer, extremely feminine woman on genderqueer individual. Person on person. Imperfect.
We as a society have a hard time with “imperfect”, I think, in part due to the fact that we are bombarded by it. To put it in a kinky perspective, the dom/mes we read about in erotica or see in porn are tall and strong and perfect, able to subdue their sub with a look or in thundering tones. The subs are slender and perfectly responsive and endlessly flexible.
Everyone would agree that those images aren’t real, but the pressure left by them lingers, I think. It occasionally leaves those who don’t fit the ideal feeling self-conscious and ashamed.
Everyone would agree that those images aren’t real, but the pressure left by them lingers, I think. It occasionally leaves those who don’t fit the ideal feeling self-conscious and ashamed.
The same goes for the couple. Everything from jewelry commercials to ads for cable companies portrays the happy family, the happy pair, in which a necklace spurs a passionate kiss and people have money for expensive shiny objects all the time like tablets and new computers.
That’s not real either.
Which is partially why I feel more comfortable with couples with “stuff”: Older couples like Rosa and her Lady, who have weathered 16 years of ups and downs, who have responsibilities like their pack of incredible pups, who have seen the darkness and the light, or other couples closer to our age who also dance the delicate waltz between mental illness and physical limitation. That’s not to say that I limit my interactions solely to those couples, but when I don’t I sometimes have to worry about the following.
“Why don’t you just leave her? I couldn’t live with someone that crazy.”
As I patiently explain that “crazy” is actually an illness, an imbalance, and that I could no more leave her for that than I could leave her for the stomach flu.
“How can she take such advantage of you like that, Immodest? She needs her own life. Why can’t you come do something with us on five minutes notice.”
As she patiently explains that although what they’re proposing seems like fun, but that I can’t go ice skating and we need more than five minutes notice to make arrangements for me that are safe and also fun.
And my particular favourite
“Are you guys okay? Because you don’t seem okay to me.”
The “okay” one is one I’d actually quite like to address. For a longterm couple, there’s so much investment, but there’s also so much comfort. I can let out my ugly with Immodest without being afraid she’ll run for the hills, and she can do the same with me. What the asker might have seen was the strain of a sleepless night, or an impending bill, or worry about the other half of the very couple they’re asking about translated into short tempers by the sheer agony of the distress.
Of course, as stated above, it’s not always perfect. If the couple is working through some of their stuff, it’s a process that they may or may not share with you, perhaps not given their fear of receiving some of the comments above. Couples with stuff have usually been bitten a few times by people they thought they could trust.
“Is there anything you two need help with? Can I take Immodest to a doctor’s appointment or give her a lift to get some groceries so she doesn’t have to walk from the store? Can I come sit with Sassy while you go for a long walk or out to play DDR until your legs fall off?”
That’s not real either.
Which is partially why I feel more comfortable with couples with “stuff”: Older couples like Rosa and her Lady, who have weathered 16 years of ups and downs, who have responsibilities like their pack of incredible pups, who have seen the darkness and the light, or other couples closer to our age who also dance the delicate waltz between mental illness and physical limitation. That’s not to say that I limit my interactions solely to those couples, but when I don’t I sometimes have to worry about the following.
“Why don’t you just leave her? I couldn’t live with someone that crazy.”
As I patiently explain that “crazy” is actually an illness, an imbalance, and that I could no more leave her for that than I could leave her for the stomach flu.
“How can she take such advantage of you like that, Immodest? She needs her own life. Why can’t you come do something with us on five minutes notice.”
As she patiently explains that although what they’re proposing seems like fun, but that I can’t go ice skating and we need more than five minutes notice to make arrangements for me that are safe and also fun.
And my particular favourite
“Are you guys okay? Because you don’t seem okay to me.”
The “okay” one is one I’d actually quite like to address. For a longterm couple, there’s so much investment, but there’s also so much comfort. I can let out my ugly with Immodest without being afraid she’ll run for the hills, and she can do the same with me. What the asker might have seen was the strain of a sleepless night, or an impending bill, or worry about the other half of the very couple they’re asking about translated into short tempers by the sheer agony of the distress.
Of course, as stated above, it’s not always perfect. If the couple is working through some of their stuff, it’s a process that they may or may not share with you, perhaps not given their fear of receiving some of the comments above. Couples with stuff have usually been bitten a few times by people they thought they could trust.
“Is there anything you two need help with? Can I take Immodest to a doctor’s appointment or give her a lift to get some groceries so she doesn’t have to walk from the store? Can I come sit with Sassy while you go for a long walk or out to play DDR until your legs fall off?”
To ask the okay question instead of those questions reminds the Couple With Stuff of all the times they have been bitten, it makes them worry that they are not doing so well at all, if other people can see “something” so clearly. Or it may just make them mad, reminding them that they struggle along on the edge of what’s “normal” and people judge by simple snapshots, causing them to work harder to appear “okay” and hide any bumps in the road.
This post has been written, not to call anyone out, but to express a feeling. Perhaps you too are part of a couple with stuff and have found some solace here, or perhaps you know one and now have a clearer view.
As always, I can’t thank Rosa enough for allowing me a window into her life and into her space.
Sassy
This post has been written, not to call anyone out, but to express a feeling. Perhaps you too are part of a couple with stuff and have found some solace here, or perhaps you know one and now have a clearer view.
As always, I can’t thank Rosa enough for allowing me a window into her life and into her space.
Sassy
Hi Sassy, great post.
ReplyDeleteLoved this post!
ReplyDeleteI am a nurse who serves those with special needs (developmental disabilities, traumatic brain injury, sensory impairment, autism spectrum, physical challenges, you-name-it-I-do-it) and absolutely love to hear from those who self-advocate, be it to gain rights in the political arena or elsewhere. So many people can't see past the disability to see that there is a person who can get along just fine once the "kinks" are worked out.
We all have our limitations, our things that make us tick... or not. We also all have much to contribute... if we're allowed. Some peoples' "stuff" is more evident, sometimes it's well hidden but we all have it, and "normal" is a construct of perception.
~Kazi xxx