The past several days have been exhausting, filled with highs and lows. I realize this must sound very cryptic. It is difficult to express what is on one's mind while also respecting others' right to privacy. Suffice it to say that today I am emotionally exhausted and my confidence has been shaken. Much of my recent joy has been based on the assumption that I was finally being loved for all of who I am - kinky, perverted bits and all. Now I'm not so sure that acceptance truly exists, at least not as I had understood.
I recognize that I am a complicated person and am challenging to love, especially now that I'm no longer repressing the non-vanilla bits. I know it is tempting for folks to write me off as a woman in the midst of a mid-life crisis, but dammit there's more to me than a stereotype, even on my worst day. My indulgence in self-exploration over the past two years was more than paid for by the decades I lost as I repressed and hid from the world.
At the same time, I have not shirked any responsibilities over the past two years. I am still the stable, responsible, tax-paying public servant I've been for years. But I now want so much more than this from my life. I've expended a lot of energy, exploring new paths while also investing heavily in my relationships with others. I want to support the ones I love to grow with me (at best) or to at least to witness my growth with as little grief as possible (at worst). After getting feedback suggesting that these efforts of mine have been reasonably successful, it is very hard to hear that this wasn't actually the case. Then there are those things said in the heat of the moment. Even when I know they are said in a moment of confusion, exhaustion or pain, they still hurt and do damage even if they are revised or recanted the next day. It all leaves me wondering what I should believe.
I like myself better now than ever before, even if the newer me is disturbing to others, even if it renders me less lovable to them. I cannot go back to what I was before nor can I force others to accept me for what I am. For now, my focus will have to be on self-acceptance, on whether or not I meet my own expectations and this will have to sustain me. I have not given up on those I love - far from it, but I'd be a fool to ignore that things aren't as I have presumed.
I will bounce back - I always do. Even at my darkest moments, there is a sentinel on watch in my psyche, looking out for me and keeping me safe. I'll lean on that strength until I get my wind back. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.