The past several days have been exhausting, filled with highs and lows. I realize this must sound very cryptic. It is difficult to express what is on one's mind while also respecting others' right to privacy. Suffice it to say that today I am emotionally exhausted and my confidence has been shaken. Much of my recent joy has been based on the assumption that I was finally being loved for all of who I am - kinky, perverted bits and all. Now I'm not so sure that acceptance truly exists, at least not as I had understood.
I recognize that I am a complicated person and am challenging to love, especially now that I'm no longer repressing the non-vanilla bits. I know it is tempting for folks to write me off as a woman in the midst of a mid-life crisis, but dammit there's more to me than a stereotype, even on my worst day. My indulgence in self-exploration over the past two years was more than paid for by the decades I lost as I repressed and hid from the world.
At the same time, I have not shirked any responsibilities over the past two years. I am still the stable, responsible, tax-paying public servant I've been for years. But I now want so much more than this from my life. I've expended a lot of energy, exploring new paths while also investing heavily in my relationships with others. I want to support the ones I love to grow with me (at best) or to at least to witness my growth with as little grief as possible (at worst). After getting feedback suggesting that these efforts of mine have been reasonably successful, it is very hard to hear that this wasn't actually the case. Then there are those things said in the heat of the moment. Even when I know they are said in a moment of confusion, exhaustion or pain, they still hurt and do damage even if they are revised or recanted the next day. It all leaves me wondering what I should believe.
I like myself better now than ever before, even if the newer me is disturbing to others, even if it renders me less lovable to them. I cannot go back to what I was before nor can I force others to accept me for what I am. For now, my focus will have to be on self-acceptance, on whether or not I meet my own expectations and this will have to sustain me. I have not given up on those I love - far from it, but I'd be a fool to ignore that things aren't as I have presumed.
I will bounce back - I always do. Even at my darkest moments, there is a sentinel on watch in my psyche, looking out for me and keeping me safe. I'll lean on that strength until I get my wind back. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.
Acceptance of one's self and of others are difficult journeys and the two are intrinsically linked- which I'm sure you are keenly aware from your own struggles with self-acceptance. Know that you do have love and support around you, even from the people who are struggling to understand you. If they are trying then there is love and that's all you need in order to work towards acceptance and celebration. It's hard and it can take a lot of time and effort and anger and tears and frustration, but that's part of the process.
ReplyDeleteIf the changes you have made in your life over the past 2 years have made you truly happier, healthier and more completely "you", then don't let go of that and in the dark times take comfort and strength in the knowledge that YOU changed your life and took the incredibly brave step towards making yourself happy (absolutely no small feat). Celebrate for yourself the things you have achieved if the people around you are not yet in a place where they are ready to celebrate with you. Allow the loved one's in your life the time you allowed yourself to come to terms with your true self. Allow them the space to be angry, hurt, scared and confused the same way you allowed yourself to feel the same things during your process of self-acceptance. And let them fail so they can try again. Again, if they are trying then there is love.
Feeling for you and hoping the dark clouds part soon and the way becomes easier.
-GM
Thank you for your support and the beautiful thoughts. It gave me a lift to find this when I got home this evening. It means more than you know. Hugs GM.
ReplyDeleteI feel much the same way. I am rejected pretty much at home as one who is going through a midlife crisis, nothing more, and it still stings at times. I am a responsible adult in my career; Taz has no clue (nor does he care to) about how I express myself sexually anymore. I've had to go it alone these past four years now and I've learnt to accept that and move on. Acceptance of self becomes all-important when it seems that the world is against you.
ReplyDelete~Kazi xxx
Hey Kaz. Hang in there girl. I know what you mean about being a responsible adult, keeping it all going even when you feel like the most neglected person in your life sometimes is yourself. I felt like that for years, but not any more. We've waited long enough and paid our dues. We've earned the right to be ourselves. Hugs
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