When my journey of self discovery began, I started down the submissive's path and my beloved agreed to walk with me, taking the role of top/dominant in our play. Over the past two years, she has had her struggles with that role. As a child she was regularly beaten and still retains much anger from those experiences. During one particular play session some months back, she had a very strong, negative reaction. Since then we've only played twice. Both times we limited our activity to bare handed spanking. While this had been a pleasant activity for both of us, I could tell her heart just wasn't in it anymore. I decided I couldn't ask her to continue this way.
We made our peace around this change and I threw myself further into my role as Keeper with Pet. My beloved removed her profile from Fetlife and decided she needed to take a break. She encouraged me to follow through on plans to make a road trip with Pet to a friend's dungeon (and you've since seen the highlights of that trip posted here). She was supportive when I discussed the possibility of co-hosting a play party with another kinkster this past weekend. The following Monday, we spent a great day together. Then Tuesday happened.
This wasn't the first "dust-up" we'd had over my polyamorous, bisexual, kinky nature, but it was definitely the worst. Despite the fact that I'd worked within limits she had set, despite all the upheaval we've weathered together as couple, despite my daily demonstration of my feelings for her, she was afraid of losing me. She was also angry that I was changing and clearly felt she had no choice but to try and keep up with me. Because she couldn't be everything that I need, she seemed to think that our relationship was failing and that she was less worthy of my love. (This is the condensed version of a very intense 24 hours.)
The next day, after I'd licked my own hurts and got my own head back on straight with the help of a supportive friend, I went for a short drive to think. How could I make it plain to her that she is my girl, will always be my girl? How could I make those doubts that haunt her go away once and for all?
As I pondered these questions I recalled the first time I called Pet "my beautiful man". He actually laughed at the endearment. I asked him what was so funny and he started to try and explain himself. I cut him off and reminded him that as his Keeper I never lie to him, that I'm a great judge of beauty and I don't appreciate my sincere compliments being blown off as a joke! I told him the right way to react was to smile and say "thank-you M'am." Let me tell you my response had an impact on him and I reminded him of it every time he failed to fully accept a compliment from me. I suddenly found myself wondering if the same approach would work with my beloved.
Wait a minute! Wouldn't that mean having to shift the dynamic in our relationship pretty significantly? Of course it would. Was I up for it? Given the alternative I figured I could. The real question was how would she react to the suggestion. I headed home to find out.
To make a long story short, when I explained my thoughts, she had a physical reaction to them suggesting strongly to both of us that we were on to something.
So what was the plan to be? These are the highlights thus far:
1. Whenever she slips into old speech patterns and behaviors I will let her know so she becomes more aware of what triggers this. The purpose is to give her an opportunity to choose a different response.
2. She will accept that my love for her is unconditional; I love her and will always love her no matter what. 3. She will demonstrate acknowledgement of my unconditional love by refusing to give into doubts and fears that are rooted in her distant past. She will practice the following affirmation daily and whenever I ask her to: "My name is ...., I am worthy. Rosa loves me and will always love me."
4. My relationship with Pet has no bearing on my relationship with her. She has agreed to support me as I continue my self-exploration recognizing I have needs/kinks that will not be met within our relationship and this in no way diminishes my feelings for her.
5. I am asserting myself with her (through gestures, actions, speech patterns, during intimacy, by giving her tasks to do) so she understands she is my girl. She seems to like this change very much.
Anyway, this is a work in progress and will be for the foreseeable future. Wish us luck!