A very strong, sometimes overwhelming, desire to find a Dominant partner or to become immersed in BDSM-related activities. Sometimes seen in people who identify strongly as submissive, particularly those who have either newly discovered their submissive side or who have not partaken in BDSM-related activities for a long time. People in the grip of “sub frenzy” may make unwise or unsafe choices.
I looked for a similar definition for "top frenzy" but surprisingly didn't find one.
The month of June has been thin on play opportunities. It has been ten days since I last played and I've played only twice in the last three weeks. Plans to play tomorrow had to be postponed due to circumstances beyond everyone's control. My rational mind understands this, but physically and emotionally my reaction was anything but rational.
It didn't hit right away. It took about fifteen minutes. My mood blackened, my stomach and chest tightened and tears formed in the corner of my eyes. I felt like a caged animal desperate to escape and began to pace. I literally didn't know what to do with myself. The frustration began to well up inside me and I didn't think it would stop so I did the only thing I could do. I went for a long walk with my dogs to cool off. During that walk I named what I was feeling as "top frenzy."
Figuring I couldn't possibly be the only top/Dominant to experience this sort of sensation, I started searching on-line when I got back. So far, my search has yielded nothing. Is the assumption that if you are in the role of top/Dominant you should be able to ensure your own needs are met? Surely no one is that naive. Perhaps tops/Dominants just don't talk about it on line.
Most people I know have jobs, obligations, health issues, relationship complications, etc. that pose challenges in many aspects of their lives. My guess is there are times when either their issues or their partner(s) get in the way of self expression and fulfilment. As grown-ups, we deal with these disappointments in stride and accept them as unavoidable parts of life...or at least we do most of the time. And today qualifies as one of those "other" times for me.
I know the infrequency of play recently has definitely had an impact on me. My role as Top/Domme/Keeper has become integral to my sense of self. Opportunities for play are how I access/exercise this aspect. When opportunities are scarce, I feel like I'm cut off from a piece of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually and it actually "hurts." And today, that "hurt" went to a whole new level as that aspect of my psyche angrily asserted itself and complained of neglect. For a short while as I was out walking, my head was filled with wild ideas all driven by that hurt and frustrated part of myself. Hence why I named the experience "top frenzy."
After my walk, when I arrived back at the house and the initial wave had passed, I was left with the same restlessness that has plagued my consciousness for weeks. I had to admit there is a more going on for me than just top frenzy. The past several months I've had more body pain that I'm used to and it has restricted my activities more than I'd like to admit. When I'm not at work, my focus is on coping with my discomfort, finding ways to manage it and getting myself ready to go back to work the next day. Being at work increases the discomfort and so the cycle continues.
As a result, my relationships have suffered as I have so much less to give. My hobbies (which are my creative outlet and hopefully, someday, an alternative way to earn a living) have been sorely neglected. Normally I have always been able to make peace with my body, but lately it has become very demanding and unforgiving. I have moments when I wonder if my body isn't trying to push me to change careers sooner rather than later. This would explain the feelings of restlessness.
I find myself taking stock of the choices I've made and where they've led me and trying to foresee what lies ahead if I continue on. Last week, I told a friend that I feel like big changes are coming for me. I'm tired of owing the world money and being held hostage by my debtors. I've got no children and have no need to acquire any sort of legacy to pass on. My attachment to material goods has never been that strong and seems to be getting weaker. My focus is increasingly on my passions and strengthening my relationships, yet how I currently earn my living and the debt load I'm supporting are impacting my health and undermining my ability to focus more on these. Something has got to give and soon.
So as to the question in my post title: "Top frenzy, mid-life crisis or both?" I think the answer would have to be "both." I've already begun to take action on getting rid of my debt load and simplifying my life, but today's brush with top frenzy has made it abundantly clear that my patience with the status quo is wearing thin. A revision of time lines may be in order.