This piece was originally posted as a journal entry on her Fetlife profile. I was moved as I read it and immediately contacted her about sharing it with a wider audience. She has graciously consented to having it reprinted here.
I’m prompted to write about my take on submission as I see so many use the term so loosely and so easily. My take is my take, what submission is to me.
Submission, for me, is given freely, with no boundaries, no expectation of equality, no sense of being recompensed in any way. My submission is freely and totally given to my Dominant. I don’t tally up the submissive moments and then expect X, Y and Z back in return. I don’t try to control what He does or wants, I give my submission with an open and honest heart. Once my submission has been given to Him, He can expect it at all times.
At times it hurts to give so much. Times when I am less open to giving for whatever reason. But they are the times when I know I am truthfully submissive. When I give and give more. When I give more than I ever thought I could, when I have to challenge myself to give when I feel there is nothing more left in me, that’s when I slip into a wonderful state of deep submissiveness. My heart opens to my Dom. My mind is unlocked. When I truly feel I am His. I find a place of wonderful peace and euphoria knowing I am completely His.
I think the D/s power exchange is best explained using the analogy of pain play. In pain play, I get beaten and beaten and take terrible pain. I slowly start to subspace, get little rewards along the way for my submissiveness. I take pain that feels like I will break and collapse, pass out or go mad. And then, tra la! The moment arrives when I slide into deep subspace, that incredible place of euphoria and peace which makes the whole journey sooooo worthwhile. The place I wanted to be. But to get there took so much strength of mind, so much pain. I had to give and give and give to Him with no sense of return along the journey.
Once there, in that deeply felt subspace, my Dom sees me there and the sense of power and control He has at having got me there becomes intense and palpable. He has a massive rush of power. HE got this woman to this place. HE and HE alone has complete control of her body and mind at that moment in time and has made her reach a place of deep euphoria. What a massive power trip!!! What an incredible feeling to know He has complete and utter control over another human being! Knowing He has made a woman float in a euphoric state by His actions alone! He feels the power of what he is, a Dominant. THIS is the place He wants to be. The rush that comes from this sense of power is a thousand times more pleasurable for Him than the rush that comes from making a woman orgasm. It’s like a total mind orgasm.
It fills Him with deep satisfaction, He floats in Dom space. He got me there and is deeply pleased with me for the submission I gave to get Him to that wonderful place. My submission in that play has pleased Him so much, has made Him feel so incredibly good, He cannot but love me for what I gave. This bonds us in ways that is hard to describe with words. THIS is what we had both sought. THIS is what the total power exchange has achieved. Connection with another human on a plain far, far higher than that reached by sex alone.
I feel that my regular day to day submission is much like the submission I give in pain play. I give and give, push myself, give till it hurts, am obedient, follow orders, look deep into myself to give more and more. Do things that incredibly challenge me, follow His orders at all times. And then, tra la! One day, there it is, the incredible buzz, the deeply satisfying sense of submissiveness. I am there in a place where I am totally His to please Him. I become His submissive, not just someone who is being submissive. I float in that place of euphoria and peace. It fills me with a calm inner joy to be owned by this man and His submissive.
And THAT is what he sees and feels. THAT is what makes him feel deeply dominant, when He sees that deeply genuine submission. He is in that place where He knows He has a totally obedient girl, one who makes him feel His power. He feels the power that my submission gives and knows He has complete and utter control over another human being. What a rush of power He feels!!! He cannot but love me for what I give, for taking Him to this place of power. My submission has taken Him into domspace. Not the adrenaline filled domspace of play, but a place of inner calm and joy knowing that He owns this woman and is her Dominant.
Understanding the dynamics of submission and domination takes the relationship to the place it is meant to go, to a place where both the D and s feel the power of the relationship. Where we stop playing at being D or s and actually are.
My submission is not a thing of limits. It needs to know no limits for when I give limitless submission, there is that magical moment when the Dominant will feel His power. He knows His girl is no longer playing at submission but is actually HIS submissive and that is the moment He knows HE is truly her Dominant. And that is the moment He has been waiting and hoping for.
This is what my submission is to me.