This evening I am in search of patience. It has been one of those days where my patience has been sorely tested. Now usually I pride myself on being able to put myself in another person's shoes even when I feel misunderstood or even insulted. Most days, I manage to shrug off the the circumstance and keep moving in a positive direction. At the moment my outer calm is a thin veneer hiding inner turmoil. My internal board of directors, as it were, are having one hell of an argument.
My Pet has been in a tumultuous relationship with a young woman since earlier this year. Realizing that it might be difficult for any woman to accept my relationship with him, I made it plain that I understood our relationship might have to change and while I may not be thrilled with that prospect, I would adapt.
Fast forward a few weeks. I learn that he and this woman have had some serious issues. At one point he offered not once, but twice, to stop playing with me entirely if it would help get things back on track. Now, our relationship wasn't the only issue between them and it is not my place to comment on those other issues. Suffice it to say that his offer wasn't enough to resolve the crisis so they broke up.
I didn't learn about those two offers until he told me a sort time later while visiting here with me. During that visit, he had contact with her again. The last thing he told me that particular night was that he had made "the offer" again, and they would be talking about their situation upon his return. When we played the following evening, for all I knew, it might have been the last time.
Of course it wasn't. I must admit, I was honestly relieved I was shaken, but felt that he and I were moving toward firmer ground. I told him I knew there may come a time again in the future when we had to discuss a change in the nature of our relationship, but I told him I wasn't prepared to go through all of this uncertainty again for the same person. I thought he understood.
Fast forward a few more weeks. It seems he is continuing to have contact with his old girlfriend. He cannot seem to get this relationship out of his system as dysfunctional and fraught with issues as it has been. In casual conversation I learn he is still open to the possibility of reconciliation with her.
I am struggling to remain calm and objective. Part of me just wants to scream. Part of me wants to bitch slap them both - her for continuing to toy with him and him for leaving me in the dark about something that has the potential to upset my relationship with him. I have moments when I feel like my heart is being torn in two. The next minute I want to release him and tell him to come back once he has his house in order as I am fed up with the drama.
Then I take a deep breath and focus I cannot control what others want or do. I can only control what I do. So the question is, what shall I do next? Should I wait and see if this turns into something I should actually be worried about? Should I chastise him for failing to be honest with me about what has been going through his head since the split? Should I kick my own ass and go look for a submissive who is in a committed relationship and only looking for a dominant as a play partner (at the least) and secondary relationship (at the most)?
What would you do dear reader?
I would love to have coffee and have a heart to heart with you on this. Love you much. Always
ReplyDeleteThanks sweetie. I appreciate the concern. Let's see what we can do about that coffee. I'll be in touch.
DeleteIn this situation, I would recommend just letting the cards fall where they will regarding him and his ex. Trying to push it in any direction at all could erupt into something unwanted by either party. People addicted to unhealthy relationships need to come to their own realizations of why things simply can't work out with a certain person, no matter how much they clearly want it to work. A painful process for anyone who cares about the "addict", but some things you just cannot control.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments Sarah. You make a good point.
DeleteHmmm tricky. If I was you I would get yourself over to the UK, hunt down that bloke called Clive (you know, the fellow with the panties?) and take out your frustrations on his sweet behind :)
ReplyDeleteEver the chivalrous, masochistic pink-pantied gentleman - and I do appreciate the gesture. :-)
DeleteWith open relationships, it doesn't do to be left out of the loop.
ReplyDeleteThis omission isn't simply about who he wishes to spend his time with, or how he would like to spend his time. This all comes down to something which, as I took it, you feel can at any point put a stop to your D/s relationship with him. Something you committed rather intensely on. If that's true or not, I'm not sure - but if you feel it, you are immediately owed that response. On this, if I in your place, I would demand a conversation about it.
And if you are truly on 'stand-by' depending on his problematic other relationship you have to consider the message that sends him about yourself. That you are willing to come second. That your feelings are not to be considered because they are more stable than others. That you will be unhappy with something, without doing much on it.
All this could be avoided by simply stating how you feel. Be clear on that first. I know it would not have me feeling very dominant in the relationship, and that's just not a place I'd choose to be anymore.
My conversation with him continued this evening and went much better. I think we were both able to be clearer about our respective needs and feelings.
DeleteI was frustrated and angry last evening. I realized that I've exerted considerable energy to maintain what I have with him and have negotiated repeatedly with my primary partner. And what had my nose so out of joint was the thought that I've been more willing to fight for this relationship than him.
The fact is this is my first D/s relationship as a Dominant. It's not like I've got anything else with which to compare this. It isn't purely a play relationship. It's more than friendship. It's a secondary relationship for me and needs to be for him too. It truly is complicated and that may be the biggest part of the problem.
I'm not angry anymore. I've decided to give myself some time to think about what I need. Once I have my thoughts in order, I'll be in a better position to decide what I need to do.
Thanks for weighing in. I appreciate your candor and your support.
I would say "Fuck this, I'm done." but then again, there are a few reasons why you shouldn't take advice from me in this situation.
ReplyDelete1. I'm very short tempered.
2. I've never been in a D/S relationship; I just lurk in the forums.
3. and finally, I'm not you and I can't possibly begin to understand the relationship you have with your sub.
- AngelsBlood