Contemplating Subtleties

Modified Dragonfly

While the pictures I'm sharing today are all about rope, I want to post about the "other" stuff that the pictures couldn't capture.

This past weekend, Pet and I attended a rope practice session at a friend's house.  It was a casual, intimate affair.  It was one of those rare opportunities for Pet and I to engage in some of our favorite activities in the company of others.  We both love bondage so we were excited to get a chance to practice; however, we had practiced during our own play sessions the two evenings before.  What made this different?

Camaraderie was one aspect that made it special.  It's great to watch what others do, to see what their "process" is and to witness the results.  It's also stimulating to watch how rope tops and bottoms interact and to witness a bottom go to her "happy place."  For Pet and I, it was also an opportunity just be Keeper and Pet in a public way.

Rope corset

We haven't had many opportunities to do this over the past eleven months.  Our play sessions have been private and most of our social activities (outside of time spent with Lady and I) have been in vanilla venues.  Any references to our Keeper/Pet relationship have been fairly discrete.

On Sunday evening we were in the company of others, yet we could relax and be ourselves, with me referring to him as "Pet" and him calling me "M'am."  I sent him to the kitchen to prepare my cup of coffee and it was entirely natural.  We gently teased each other, like we would have playing in my private studio.  At one point I retrieved a key from my bag and told him to release himself from a discrete restraint that we'd put in place hours before, and did so without a second thought.  I hand fed him snacks.  I eventually hogtied him and then proceeded to chat with the others, gently stroking him so I could monitor his skin temperature, while he blissed out on the sheep skin I'd placed under him.

Hogtied and happy again!

The following day, one of the participants messaged me and commented how great it has been to watch our Keeper/Pet relationship evolve over the past year.  This sort of peer validation and support is so very wonderful.  I guess it is no different from any other sort of relationship in that both parties not only want acceptance and validation from each other, but also from the wider community of which they are a part. This is important in any case, but I believe even more so when  the relationship is non-conventional and flies in the face of society's norms.

I know what it is like to be in an non-conventional relationship and have no social supports.  It is very isolating and at times, can be little scary.  I can remember what it was like for Lady and I to be the token "odd" couple in a very small community.  Very few people were brave enough to befriend us and those that did got asked the rudest and most ignorant questions.  We didn't go out much and rarely went anywhere alone.

In contrast, these days I am blessed to belong to a vanilla community that is much more relaxed about the unconventional nature of my primary relationship.  Of course now there is another important relationship in my life: the one I have with my Pet.  My vanilla community is aware that a wonderful young man visits Lady and I frequently and to date has been content to mind its own business.  The three of us are often seen enjoying each other's company and having a great time wherever we go together.  But Pet and I have had few opportunities outside the play room or our home (i.e. Lady's and mine) to let down our guard and just be Pet and Keeper.  Happily, it looks like we will soon have more chances.  It looks like rope night could become a semi-regular event in our local kink community and there is talk of a play party in the near future too.

I am proud to be his Keeper.  I feel it is my responsibility to demonstrate this whenever I can and especially when we are in  the company of like-minded folk.  He needs to know that I value his surrender, obedience and gratitude both in and out of the playroom and expect him to conduct himself appropriately, as my Pet, whether he is clothed and sitting opposite me in a food court or half naked on the floor tied in rope.  By fulfilling my role as his Keeper in public, I also show him that I am not ashamed of my desire for control of him; in fact I revel in it!

So, as you now know, there was a lot going on for me on Sunday evening that had precious little to do with rope!  As the pictures show, there was much rope work that evening.  We had a great time and are looking forward to our next local gathering.

Hogties and Harnesses - Oh My!

Last night was devoted to some rope practice!  The nice thing about rope practice is how easy it is to incorporate a little tickle torture. Hope you like the pictures!

We started with a pair of two column ties joined together

Then we practiced a basic box tie.

The same box tie from the front.

Then added a column tie (legs) to the box tie and joined them.

Then it was time for a harness! (Rear view)

Same harness, front view.

An update on the studio/play space

As some of you will recall, this past summer and fall, Lady and I built a studio/play space for me.  Yes, for me.  <smile>  I've been using the space since just before Christmas even though it is not yet completed inside.  This weekend, I decided it is far enough along to share some pictures of the interior.

The first picture shows one corner of the space complete with sheep skin, leather chair and electric stove.  The mantle is just leaning against the wall for now.  I plan to paint it this spring and mount it to the wall.

The space was intended to be multi-functional.  I wanted it to be a comfortable retreat where I can indulge all my pastimes.  I had always wanted to paint a room in shades of purple but had never gotten the chance, until now.  Three walls are a deep lavender while the fourth is a darker purple.  The back wall has been outfitted with shelves to hold my hobby supplies.  I re-purposed some furniture and some accessories we already owned.  I purchased a few new items, like a small area rug, but got everything at a real bargain.  Once again, Lady and I did all the interior work.  The only service we purchased were the skills of an electrician (for the wiring).

This weekend, we finally hung the curtains across the back wall.  I got them on sale online just after Christmas and we used copper piping and metal hooks to serve as curtain rods.  Now that the curtains are up, I can completely hide the wall of shelving and reduce the visual "clutter" substantially.  The curtains will also provide a more neutral background for the pictures and videos Pet and I like to take during play sessions.

We secured two eye bolts in the double beam just in front of  the attic hatch (see the second picture for details). This is working out very well for bondage purposes.  This spring, we will make a proper attic hatch cover and paint it out to blend into the ceiling.  The ceiling lighting can be re-positioned to provide good task lighting when I'm sewing and indirect lighting during play sessions.

While the space is still a work in progress, I am very pleased with how it is evolving.  The next time Pet and I play, I intend to do a series of shots to show the play space in action.  Stay tuned for more.  :D

Expectations

The last few play sessions have begun with a question: "Why are you here Pet?"  The intent was to get him thinking about his role and the expectations he has.  However he answers, I follow up with other questions designed to get past the obvious answers ("for you M'am") and to help him recognize his motivations.  I feel it is important that he is fully aware and able to articulate why he desires to be my Pet and why this role is important to him.  

He also needs to be able to think clearly whether he is anticipating the play session, is already naked and bound, or catching his breath in between rounds of impact or other type of play.  I expect him to focus on my voice, to give me his undivided attention and to multi-task when needed.  For example, he must be able to process sensations while delivering a thoughtful answer to my questions.  

Last evening, we moved on to my expectations of him.  I explained that I expect three things from him when we play.  I introduced these one at a time, asking him to tell me how he can demonstrate these to me.  The three things I expect are:

And the Evolution Continues

The past week has been filled with epiphanies for me. I am coming to realize that some of the labels I've adopted over the past year may not be as accurate or appropriate as I once thought.  Personal growth for me is largely an incremental process.  The overarching motivation that drives me is the pursuit of harmony, so incremental growth works very well for me.  Though this can mean that when I set foot on a new path, I may think I know where I'm heading but, more often than not, I end up discovering a whole new direction along the way.

When I first emerged from the closet, I self-identified as a submissive who was curious about various aspects of kink.  At the time, this was a huge step for me - nothing incremental about it.  I was acknowledging (finally) my inherent need for a very different set of experiences.  I was going against years of conditioning and practice in being who I thought I was supposed to be or what others needed me to be.  At the same time, I think it was the safest starting point for me, both in terms of my long-term relationship and my psychological state in the years leading up to that moment. As my journey continues, I'm becoming a little braver about acknowledging bits of myself that don't fit any preconceived pattern or label.  This is helping me to see myself and my relationships in a new light.

This past weekend, Pet's visit was cut short by inclement weather and him needing to get back to the city before it hit.  Our play session was several hours long and hastily undertaken mid-afternoon when we knew our plans had to change.  It had been several weeks since we had gotten to play and I was determined to make the best of the time we had.  This was one of those times when I went with my instincts, capitalizing on ideas as they emerged and was very pleased with the results.  

Early on in the session, Pet's arms were suspended from rope, secured to the ceiling joists, and he was standing on a step stool.  He couldn't move much but the height caused him to focus on his footing.  This worked out well as I didn't have to bend at all, and all my favorite places to torment him were very accessible.  I kept things simple, using only my hands, teeth, a wooden spoon, my leather belt, a shoelace and two sizes of clothespins.  I kept him a little off balance by alternating technique, approach and intensity, and filling the "breaks" with rhythmic stroking and the sound of my voice only (no music this time).

A "Couple with Stuff"

Today, I have a treat for my readers - a guest post by my friend Sassy!  You can check her blog out at http://sass-and-spasticity.blogspot.com Take it away Sassy!

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I have long promised Rosa this guest blog, but recent events in my life have made it more prudent than ever to share. I’m Sassy, the mind behind Sass And Spasticity, and my beloved partner of over six years is Immodest Lady of the blog by the same name.

We are, as the title of this post might imply, a “couple with stuff.” I have Cerebral Palsy, Anxiety, and Chronic Pain, and Immodest lives with digestive issues and also an Anxiety disorder. Not only that, we’ve been together long enough to pick up more stuff. I have a tenuous relationship with Lady’s parents, so much so that I lovingly refer to them as the “out laws” Immodest Lady has to deal with my 20+ aunts and uncles, all of whom run from “mildly eccentic” to “we don’t let that one use power tools.” We also have joint responsibilities such as bills and rent and pets, all of which we try to manage while living at or below the poverty line.

And we love it. Because it’s what we built together through six years of joy and blood and sweat and love and pain. But it doesn’t look like most relationships. It doesn’t look like boy meets girl, it doesn’t look like vanilla meets vanilla, or Able Bodied John meets Able Bodied Jane (see my blog for that reference.) What it looks like is kinkster on kinkster, artist on writer, extremely feminine woman on genderqueer individual. Person on person. Imperfect.

We as a society have a hard time with “imperfect”, I think, in part due to the fact that we are bombarded by it. To put it in a kinky perspective, the dom/mes we read about in erotica or see in porn are tall and strong and perfect, able to subdue their sub with a look or in thundering tones. The subs are slender and perfectly responsive and endlessly flexible.

Everyone would agree that those images aren’t real, but the pressure left by them lingers, I think. It occasionally leaves those who don’t fit the ideal feeling self-conscious and ashamed.

The same goes for the couple. Everything from jewelry commercials to ads for cable companies portrays the happy family, the happy pair, in which a necklace spurs a passionate kiss and people have money for expensive shiny objects all the time like tablets and new computers.

That’s not real either.

Which is partially why I feel more comfortable with couples with “stuff”: Older couples like Rosa and her Lady, who have weathered 16 years of ups and downs, who have responsibilities like their pack of incredible pups, who have seen the darkness and the light, or other couples closer to our age who also dance the delicate waltz between mental illness and physical limitation. That’s not to say that I limit my interactions solely to those couples, but when I don’t I sometimes have to worry about the following.

“Why don’t you just leave her? I couldn’t live with someone that crazy.”

As I patiently explain that “crazy” is actually an illness, an imbalance, and that I could no more leave her for that than I could leave her for the stomach flu.

“How can she take such advantage of you like that, Immodest? She needs her own life. Why can’t you come do something with us on five minutes notice.”

As she patiently explains that although what they’re proposing seems like fun, but that I can’t go ice skating and we need more than five minutes notice to make arrangements for me that are safe and also fun.

And my particular favourite

“Are you guys okay? Because you don’t seem okay to me.”

The “okay” one is one I’d actually quite like to address. For a longterm couple, there’s so much investment, but there’s also so much comfort. I can let out my ugly with Immodest without being afraid she’ll run for the hills, and she can do the same with me. What the asker might have seen was the strain of a sleepless night, or an impending bill, or worry about the other half of the very couple they’re asking about translated into short tempers by the sheer agony of the distress.

Of course, as stated above, it’s not always perfect. If the couple is working through some of their stuff, it’s a process that they may or may not share with you, perhaps not given their fear of receiving some of the comments above. Couples with stuff have usually been bitten a few times by people they thought they could trust.

“Is there anything you two need help with? Can I take Immodest to a doctor’s appointment or give her a lift to get some groceries so she doesn’t have to walk from the store? Can I come sit with Sassy while you go for a long walk or out to play DDR until your legs fall off?”

To ask the okay question instead of  those questions reminds the Couple With Stuff of all the times they have been bitten, it makes them worry that they are not doing so well at all, if other people can see “something” so clearly. Or it may just make them mad, reminding them that they struggle along on the edge of what’s “normal” and people judge by simple snapshots, causing them to work harder to appear “okay” and hide any bumps in the road.

This post has been written, not to call anyone out, but to express a feeling. Perhaps you too are part of a couple with stuff and have found some solace here, or perhaps you know one and now have a clearer view.

As always, I can’t thank Rosa enough for allowing me a window into her life and into her space.

Sassy
  

Contemplating Anniversaries

Today is a very special day.  February 4, 2012 marks sixteen years together for Lady and me.  Yesterday I took the day off to make a three-day weekend in honor of the anniversary.  Friday was a beautiful winter day so we began by sleeping in just a little, having a quick breakfast and then heading out to walk our dogs.  By mid-day, we were on our way to the city to make a pilgrimage to a yarn shop.

I love shopping for yarn with Lady!  Knitting is a hobby we both love so we didn't hesitate to pump the parking meter full of change.  The shop was in a delightful old house in the downtown core, complete with  ornate plaster ceilings.  Two downstairs rooms had been outfitted with shelves and bins and a colorful assortment of higher end yarns were on display.  I worked my way around, touching and fondling skeins of lace, light, medium and bulky weight yarns in alpaca, silk, linen, cotton, merino and other fibers.  It was a sensualist's paradise!  We spent almost $80 there and left with two pairs of stainless steel circular needles, one pair of straight birch needles, one skein of a medium weight wool/cotton blend and over 1000 yards of exquisite lace weight yarn.   We also made new friends: the owner of the yarn store and her colorful Boston Terrier named Franklin.

We did a little more shopping (this time for essentials like dark chocolate and an assortment of exotic teas).  We also met up with Pet for a coffee. For a little while, we shared stories with him of how we got together.    As he is now part of our family, it seemed right that he should know our history. We laughed and chatted.  At one point, I sat at the table, holding both their hands.